Category Archives: sex

The Third Option Explained: where does man come from?

      [thoughts from  ~burning woman~  by Sha’Tara]

As a species, we believe in two basic approaches to human beginnings and development. 

The first is based on religious myths, that some gods, or God, created man from dirt and air and made “man” a living soul.  Then as some sort of afterthought, seeing as his man was lonely, he took a rib from the man and made him a “help mate” i.e., companion, a slave, a sex toy, a secondary appurtenance, a wo-man.  That skewed and screwed up pair of cursed Earthians then proceeded to wander off into the real world and make babies, according to the command to be fruitful and multiply.  I need to add here that if there ever was one divine commandment “man” did take to heart, that’s the one.  Believers and unbelievers alike bend themselves (or stretch themselves) eagerly to fulfill the commands of their God. I also  need to point out that their very first born, a male of course, being “the best of the best of the best, Sir!”  proceeded to murder his only brother because he was pissed at God.  Not an ostentatious beginning all around, was it, but that’s the patriarchy’s crowing (I meant “crowning” but “crowing” is rather fitting) moment.  

Flip the coin over and man’s lofty beginning is ratcheted down by quite a lot.  Now he’s simply the result of billions of years of bits and pieces of sub-atomic particles, then assorted cells (matter) assembling themselves from muck and mire into “man” presumably complete with self-awareness and a sense of “right and wrong” which of course in the ultra-conservative Darwinist sense, makes absolutely no sense at all because in evolution, how can there ever arise consciousness; the sense of right or wrong?  Of morality? Of beliefs in gods and need to worship same?  Well, them’s been thorny issues for die-hard evolutionists, but they’ve certainly been bold in promoting all kinds of laughable theories on how that came about.  I can let that go, there’s enough material on it out there to choke a herd of elephants, not that I’m promoting the idea we should choke a herd of elephants, it’s just a figure of speech. 

What’s the truth then?  How did “we” develop into the truly crazy, twisted numbties we are, poised on the edge of blowing ourselves up sky high; definitely over-breeding and over-populating; poisoning every aspect of our living environment, destroying its ecology for rising numbered stakes? 

Is there a Third Option; another approach to man’s appearance, development and current condition we should be looking at?  An option that the “System” is desperately determined to prevent us from looking into, discovering and worse case scenario for the System, to accept as logical and obvious?  Something logical that would explain “us”?

I’ll say this: it’s possible.  I don’t do facts; I don’t do truth.  There are no such things as facts and there is no such thing as “the truth” in my mind’s world.  There is no Way.  There is no Source.  There is no Law.  There is no One.  And just to emphasize it again, there is no Secret. 

Note that play on words: there is no One.  There is no-one.  Now add “else” to that and you get, there is only me.  Is this a great place to be or what?  From “me” I free myself to “know” how I was made, where I come from, what I am, what I want to be (when I grow up, which is probably never).  I am the only One; the only Truth; the only Way, the only Source, the only Law.  How does that work?  It works perfectly well because none of that matters to me, nor should it matter to anyone when properly reasoned.  After all is said and done, after all the dark clouds have floated over; the lightning has spent itself and the last peels of thunder have echoed and died beyond the far valley of the shadow of death, I still don’t know, nor does anyone else.  I know as much, and as little, as anyone else.  That’s the great equalizer.  

What I’ve just written should be as obvious to anyone as a sore thumb that’s just had an unofficial encounter with a deranged hammer.  Look at all the books; all the history, the philosophy, the religious tomes, tracts and diatribes, the political speeches, the scientific manuals, the economic theories of past and present; the self-help pulp fiction and health magazines and what have you got?  A lot of information certainly, but of what actual value is it?  What you have is a pile of dollar bills based on non-existent physical commodities.  You have promissory notes, nothing more.  Some promise heaven and nirvana; some promise wealth, or health, or peace or  […] (fill in the blanks), but in the end, none have ever delivered on their promises except for brief and tenuous moments in time or to individuals who would have achieved same without the verbal diarrhea.  

I just “clocked” man’s population and this is what I got: Current World Population  7,479,106,500 (as of midnight, January 21, 2017)

That’s right, we’re now at 7.5 billions and rising by the second.  It’s crazy, it’s madness: it’s man-made with his hand-maid. There is nothing “natural” about that sort of rise in any population.  It’s artificial; mindlessly driven by a programming neither “divine” nor “evolved”- an old implant run amuck. 

Have you ever wondered why in ancient times there arose so many taboos and issues around sex?  Why to this day there is such a problem balancing sexual relationships?  Why women whose bodies certainly sexually attract men more than vice-versa, suffer so much discrimination because of the fact that most female bodies are, in fact, sexual organs, and they never “go out of season” as do those of other animals?  Did you ever wonder, if you are a male, why you are always driven to seek the female, no matter your age or situation; (or no matter your religion!) that having your own female partner creates no substantial ‘protection’ or psychological barrier against your seeking, or being constantly aware of and desiring contact with, the female sex around you? 

Addressing women, do you not wonder why, knowing the conditions of the world and the glaring fact of its human overpopulation and the guarantee of a truly shitty future you still desire to have “your own” children, as if your addition to the problem didn’t matter?  As if “having them” trumps your ability to guarantee them a decent, safe, healthy future? Why women in such dire poverty they cannot feed themselves still have that imperative need to give birth? 

Don’t you think that “nature” should automatically jump into the fray at this point to prevent pregnancies, or cause men to lose their sexual interest in female bodies?  Shouldn’t something biological happen to derail the sex drive, if even for a generation or two, or drive it down to only a very small percentage of the population until we reach a level easily sustainable without earth-destroying poisonous technologies or senseless wars and genocides? 

But “nature” can’t jump in here because this phenomenon has nothing to do with nature.  “Man” as he appears on the earth scene is not a naturally occurring biological entity but something off nature’s charts.  Man is a cloned species, a totally unnatural designer (GMO) species, invented for a particular purpose by a race, or races of space beings who

  1. a) deliberately left no trace of their passage here or
  2. b) whose passage was deliberately obliterated by whomever forcefully removed these aliens, or
  3. c) came after the aliens left, attempting to clean up the mess they left behind. 

They cleaned up as best they could, (imagine the clean up after the BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico for example, and the on-going after-effects) removing the most dangerous remnants of alien technology, seeing no good reason the destroy the stone structures, then instead of wiping us off, being perhaps empathetic beings, chose to leave us to our own devices hoping that without our masters to drive us we would all naturally return to nature… They seemed to have overlooked the programming, or hoped that it would breed itself out: it didn’t.

Some of the descendants of the cloned bipedal “slave species of God” didn’t return to nature.  Some “remembered” and rebuilt the “cities of the gods” and re-created some of their technology; collectivized into ever-expanding power groups; into city-states and empires, and proceeded from there to go out and plunder, rape and enslave, as did their godly forebears.  They massacred and enslaved the ones who had re-adapted to the land and systematically destroyed their ways, replacing them with cities and industry – the legacy of their ancient masters, gods and forebears.   

They don’t build stone megaliths now, they still don’t have that technology, and can’t remember why they were originally built in any case, but they build highrises, ICBM’s, aircraft carriers, greenhouses and monster trucks.  They invent poison after poison to destroy a natural environment which seems inimical to them; a constant irritation and enemy.  They have re-invented GMO’s – and cloning – two of their alien forebears’ main accomplishments and the basis of much of their technology.  They cram, kill and destroy, that’s the only lucrative game in town; certainly the most exciting; the specialty du jour.  It’s the programming and they’re lovin’ it!   

Did I make it clear what I mean by “the third option”?  That we are the by-product of alien intervention, manipulation, meddling, in the natural cycle of a planet?  The evidence of this Third Option is irrefutable.  There is us, the pseudo-humans, a species obviously two bricks short of a load as concerns interaction with nature and… lo and behold, we have stone megaliths like the great pyramid, Baalbek and a plethora of other unexplained  (in terms of size, locations and purpose) stone artifacts from prehistory being discovered everywhere, including under seas and oceans; constructs which our benighted “Darwinist evolutionists” and religionists again try with pitiful, childish and laughable pseudo science; anthropological legerdemain or reference to divine miracles, to “explain” away.  But they are not going away and the curse of real science is that it drives the quest for definite explanations and will never rest satisfied with academic pronouncements, comical “pulpitations” and massive doses of propaganda. 

Man’s civilization train doesn’t run on a natural cyclic track but counter to it.  It began with an alien invasion and global conquest; it was built on a straight, downhill track, and it comes to a sudden end.  At the end of the track there’s a safety barrier, of course, as all train track terminals do, but at the exponentially gathered speed of this monster, that barrier has no chance to hold.  The train will plough through it as if it was kindling to fly off over the abyss, plummeting to perdition.  The only survivors will be the few who doubted the train’s purpose and vaunted safety or it’s societal necessity and who wouldn’t get on board, despite the many threats and inducements.  

To those on board, particularly to those partying in the First Class compartments I have one question: do you have any idea how close you are to hitting the barrier? My guess is, none, and you could care less.  Caring about consequences; taking personal responsibility simply isn’t part of the programming.  Only the few who have broken the programming can understand what that means and they’re too few to create much more than a few local disturbances, easily quelled by security forces; the effects sucked in global apathy, leaving no trace. 

World population clock link  http://www.worldometers.info/world-population/

The Story Teller

 

                                                       [a short story—by Sha’Tara]

So, as I was saying, I crewed with Abraham, on the old Windsong, you know, and as luck would have it…

“Hey, wait a minute, did you say Abraham? I thought the Wandering Jew died when his ship’s hull was breached by a meteor and the computers failed to sound the warning in time.  They found the records in the wreckage.”

Well, obviously he hadn’t yet eh?  Can I get on with this? As I was saying, the Old Man called his commanders to his cabin one day, that is, those of us temporarily out of fugue, and he said, “You dogs listen, and listen good.   I don’t have a lot of time left, no matter how much fugue I take, and with rats like this crew to command, not much of that allowed me or I’ll find my ship boosted and me shackled in the hole or looking at the stars without a face visor. Here’s the deal, and it will explain why I felt the need to hire a pack of criminals like you for this trip. Our manifest states we are hauling arka-brite to the smelters on Ita. You know this. What you don’t know is, we’re going renegade. Are you hearing me?”

We all nodded silently, looking at the floor, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

“What, no argument from you pirates?   Fine. A couple of sleeps ago, I had a dream. There was an ancestor of mine with the same name I have. He too was a wanderer. Seems he was looking for his home and his god, so the dream said, spoke to him and promised him this home if he would do whatever he was told to do.   Fugue dreams can get very detailed, and often very boring, since you can’t get out of them. This one was interesting. This Abraham turned from his ways and began to follow the directions given him by his god and messengers, or angels or whatever you call them.   We’ve seen enough of these in our travels, not a problem to accept this possibility is it?  Still no comments?  Very well.  

“What I found interesting is that my ancestor stopped questioning everything. He basically did as he was told and he had a pretty good and interesting life all around. Women, battles, hobnobbing with some king in a place they called “Egypt” or so it sounded.   Then he had cattle that grazed on rolling green lands—I saw these in the dream—and he lived in tents that billowed in the wind. It’s my understanding that the god wanted Abraham to have children who would inherit the world they were on at the time and didn’t much care how those kids were “begotten” as the saying went, if you get my drift.”  

Old scar-face actually winked as he said that. Must’ve been a pretty exciting dream for him to demonstrate feelings!  He continued:  

“I couldn’t make out whether these people had ships, but it seems they actually didn’t. I know, sounds far-fetched but who knows the kinds of events that happen to worlds over time? In fact, if I understand the dream, they walked, yes, with their own legs, from place to place. They didn’t even use exoskeletons. Gravity must’ve been pretty low to be able to do that. Didn’t mention equipment either, so best guess, they were able to survive on it without suits. What else… oh, yes, in what I saw of it, this world had biological life all over it: things like live animals, plants, and open water, lots of open water in some places. I saw the sky: it was colored a light-blue. Now that makes for an interesting kind of world.  Best guess, I had a dream about Old Earth.”

Somebody chuckled a bit too loud.  Old scarface looked around until everbody stood rigidly at attention, stone-faced.

“Well, you rats, I have a mind to find that ancient world of my ancestors and if I can black-market our manifest to my smuggler friend Hino the Zealous for a half-decent payoff, we head out.”

I remember then saying, “Uh, cap’n, apart from the fact that if we’re arrested after high-jacking a load of arka-brite from Arka Corp we’ll all hang so to speak, do you have coordinates for this planet of yours?”

“I will have. I intend to do exactly what my ancestor did. Not for nothing they sneeringly label me the Wandering Jew. I am Jewish, not that it means anything anymore, but it did in those times, apparently.   My plan is simple: I intend to enter into fugue shortly and return to the dream. I intend to contact that god and get the coordinates from him. Since the planet was given to my ancestors, then it’s also mine.   Logical. If my people are already on it, then I’ll retire there and you can have the old Windsong. Lots of parsecs left in her yet. We’ll give her a facelift, change her name, registration, and off you’ll go boys.”

“Sorry to interrupt cap’n,” our computer analyst and programmer Bryxt cut in, “but you intend to enter fugue while connected to a brain scan?”

And as you space dogs know, it’s the only way to reconnect to the dream sequence, and totally illegal because in most cases, it induces what has come to be known as “gap” sickness, an incurable condition of acute paranoia caused by jumps.  Jumps is the only way to get around in space unless you want to spend eternity looking at the same stars.

“That’s what I mean to do, damn space admin’s rules or the consequences. If I come out addled, the ship is yours that much sooner, so what’s the worry? Toss my body out and we’ll be square.”

So, to make a long story short, the cap’n entered fugue connected; came out apparently sane and sound with a smile on his scarred leathery face that spread from ear to ear.

“All right you useless worms, contact Hino. The coordinates are in the computer. As soon as we’re cleaned-out and paid, we head out. A little adventure, that’s what a man needs at the end of his journey.   Space can get so damned boring after a while.”

We sold our cargo to the smugglers and entered worm hole TF-068 using a pirated ship’s signature from one of the smuggler’s barges and after some unexpected and bone-jarring jolting came out among the weirdest groupings of solar bodies I’d ever seen. Our computations had wiped out in the boost—hell, old Windsong was never meant for that kind of torture: she was a freighter, for Ajax sake! Of course we should have realized our cap’n had lost it when he gave us his plan, but you know, the captain is the man and if you want to survive space, there is but one rule: do what the man says once you’ve had your say.

We scoured that area with what was left of the ship’s computers working, found nothing, nothing at all. We were years looking, scanning, probing, sending surface craft to promising worlds until enough didn’t come back we couldn’t risk that anymore. We used up all our surface probes, most of which never responded. Those that did only increased our despair. This system we had tumbled into refused to make the least allowances for biological life, let alone human life.

Sanity was the first and greatest victim in our situation. We argued and fought with what little energy we had left. Most wanted to mass-launch the last jumpers and sling-boost equipment or crash land WindSong even to take their chances upon a particular world that seemed quasi-adequate for some sort of survival. Radioactivity was high but they argued they could beat it. Anything to get off what had become our prison on dying Windsong.   Anything to get away from the totally mad Wandering Jew who now spent his days hooked up to the brain scan that didn’t work, trying to recall his stupid dream. When he disconnected to walk among us, he had tears in his eyes, but they weren’t for us, for having stranded us. He didn’t see us, or hear us either. His tears were for his damnable dream. He began to talk to his ancestor’s god out loud and we shuddered, giving him wide berth whenever we heard him pleading, demanding, cursing, sighing. Off the chart, he was, poor bastard. We even felt sorry enough for him not to boost him out the air-lock.

From a healthy and happy crew of 68 men, we were whittled down to 31 emaciated ghosts wandering through the ship’s corridors when the damned angels appeared.  

“So that’s how you got back?”

That’s what’s so sick about the whole thing. I woke up here, right here, in this pub. Alone. No crew, no ship, nothing to my name, just old memories.

“What did space admin have to say about your story, man?”

Just a story, home boy. Bar tender, did that earn me another round before I return to the Heritage II?

“You from the Heritage? Hell’s bells, I should’ve known! We’ve been had, he’s one of those story tellers.   “

And all of you so sure you could spot a storyteller, eh? And also a shape-shifter, friends. That old man you made your little bets with before I joined your group was none other than myself and it’s time to pay up.   Better luck next time boys.

I could have been anything.  I could captain my own cruiser.  I came out of the Academy with top ratings, family money, prospects, offers, the works. Space is infinite. The number of ships that move through this one universe alone would be considered infinite. Possibilities endless. But despite the less than glamorous conditions of spacing around from galaxy to galaxy as a story-teller, you can’t beat it. It’s not only that we exist as double-agents, spying for corporations or this and that tin pot dictator or emperor searching for traitors, princes hunting for concubines and wives belonging to opponents; even indulging in sleuthing on the side—you know, to relieve the boredom between gigs—but there are other compensations.

I even had me a date with a blue-skinned Andromedan dancer last time through there and it didn’t cost me anything but a little story I made up on the spot. It would have been worth it just to watch her purple eyes dilate and hear that universally renowned laughter. I might tell you about that sometimes, but not this trip. My feelings are still too closely associated with it, especially the part where I was caught with her “in fragrante delicto” and trying to explain to the *Genoba that I had imbibed a bit too much Andy beer and was under the delusion she was an Andy goddess I had come to propitiate. He almost bought it… almost.  

Anyway, next time is next time. I have to board now, before my pub acquaintances discover the old man I claimed to have shape-shifted into was an old wino I found outside the bar and bought for a bottle of cheap rot-gut. So, I live my life on the edge. Why not? I’m young, not even 150 years old, galactic standard time, with a whole life, and more if I play my cards right, ahead of me begging for adventure.  Crazy?  Maybe, but if I stayed out of all the illegal, banned or dangerous places, where would I get my stories, and my money?  My very first commander, Light Leeta, would remind us at each enemy encounter, “OK people, remember, move to kill, move to win.  Live hard, live fast, live to live another day.  Go!” As the last surviving member of that motley crew, I can say this: it worked for me.

*Genoba, for those of you not familiar with the two or more dozen major Andromedan lexicons is the owner of a very high class, very exclusive Andy brothel, the kind that unless you’re royalty, or a member of the Family, you want to be sure you steer clear of.  The name itself isn’t originally Andromedan but followed an ancient family from Old Earth.  I know, nobody believes such a place did exist once upon a time but I have stories about it.  Another time.  I’ve got to board my ship, my actual destination to be given while in fugue.   They never give your destination until secured on board in case you get scanned and your coordinates lifted from your brain – everybody knows that, right?  OK wild and weird, here I come ready to live another day!   

 

 

Interplanetary Intercourse

“You know our first navigator’s got to be a girl who will—”
“She will be,” Rydra said. (Babel-17, Samuel R. Delaney)

I’m not asking the world be sane,
Pointing at his naked loin, she says,
nor am I asking you be either:
That would be complete waste.
All I want now is sex from you,
Great sex, if you can manage.
She fondles him, watches him grow:
It has potential, much, I like.

In turn he ogles her, full taut nipples
Pushed out from cone-shaped breasts,
Pointing to either side of his face.
With hungry fingers he reaches,
Touching, rubbing, twisting lightly
Keeping his eye on that serene face
And on her legs: they were swift,
And deadly, the Martian women.

But she said, she liked.  It was
What they’d call on earth, an omen.
She wouldn’t hurt him, her desire
Would rule her movements and
It was for him at the moment. Yet
I am insane, she knows, he thought
To enter the Martian’s cabin, naked.
What will she do, once done with me?

Fear washes pale beneath red lust,
Ask her, it said, ask her, before
You bed her and she takes your mind.
Is she a member of the stranglers?
Would she kill him to complete
Her needed orgasm before orbit?
He’d heard some needed it,
It opened their minds to space
It’s how they became navigators
So went the myth, never dispelled. 

Bullshit, he hears himself say,
She’s just a woman, needy like me
Naked, like me.  In lust like me. 
He reaches his muscular arms
Full around her slim, firm waist
Draws her tightly to himself,
His breathing loud, his heart a hammer
His chest pushes against her
He enters her and both scream.

Ah, best I’ve ever had, he hears.
Are they his words, in his head
Unrehearsed – is he alive then?
They are her words from her lips:
Alive, unrehearsed, spoken to his ear.
You please me immensely earth man,
You live for me. I’ll want you again.
Now I must connect to navigation:
We depart, quick, do not say a word,
I mark you, I find you, later.

 

Before the Owl Calls my Name

  [a poem by   ~burning woman~  ]

[Explaining the title: According to the Kwakiutl people of the British Columbia coast (Canada) if you hear an owl call your name, your death is imminent.]

The night fills me with its seductive darkness
A moon’s halo slides through thin clouds
All is silent, as silent as the deep of space
And I lie here in the back seat of your car,
Your big old Buick of romantic days gone by
But we are young yet, or almost young
And all that matters now is that you are here
Naked against my own throbbing nakedness
My heart beating in the moment’s madness
Orgasm and death blending so well together.

Hold me and press your maleness into me
But don’t just make love to me, I want more
possess me beyond my dreaming
Devour my longing, my hopeless desire
Eat my flesh
Leave nothing of what I once called me
But the lingering scent of your moaned pleasure
When my body turns itself inside out
To give you all my life in one thrust
Do this to me, do this for me
Before the owl calls my name
And tells me I will not see another sunrise.

 

The Incompatible, Impossible Couple

A short story, by Sha’Tara

Introduction:  I was watching “Last Love” that amazing movie with Michael Caine and Clémence Poésy for the third time tonight.  I had my netbook on my lap to record passages in the movie when the following story simply jumped at me.  I don’t see that is has much to do with the movie, except perhaps the ages of the couple, and the fact that “Mr. Morgan” was a college professor, but anyway, here goes. 

“Hello, Matthew, I’m glad you decided to meet after all.”

“Hi, Giselle, what made you think I wasn’t going to show up?”

“Oh, maybe your way of showing a complete lack of interest in my doings?”

“I’m sorry,  my face is a complete traitor, plus I’m essentially an asocial person, I thought you knew, understood and accepted that about me?”

“I forgot, Matthew.  Should we order?”  I tried to make my voice hard and cold but I was trembling with fear inside, to the point of feeling sick.

“Yes, certainly.  Garçon?”  I moved to sit next to him; the meal was beyond excellent.  He talked then, and I listened.  Had there been company I would have had to do all the talking.  

That’s how it was with us.  Matthew and his French girl, the incompatible, impossible couple, they called us.  His friends from the college where he teaches English and Philosophy all speak English.  When they see my name written down, they call me Giselle with a hard “g” as in guide.  They make it sound like gazelle.  It’s their little joke, they know how to say my name.  I like the feeling the name gazelle gives me, it suits me somehow.  

We make a strange pair, there’s no denying that.  He’s a twice-divorced college professor who’s also over twice my age.  I’m a tall, somewhat skinny brunette who’s a landscape artist and arborist.  I spend most of my time outdoors, he spends his days teaching and interacting with people and he’s the one who’s asocial.  I love people as much as I love plants. 

We met on the bus a couple of months ago when I was having my truck serviced and forced to take the day off.  I was on my way to my Yoga class and he dropped a couple of books at my feet.  Before he could retrieve them I’d picked them up and as I handed them back to him our eyes met.  He has piercing blue eyes and very expressive hands. Call me a slut, but suddenly I wanted those hands on my skin.  And I wanted his lips on mine.  Just like that.  I was taken. 

“How would you like to come to Yoga class with me?”  I asked him.  Why?  Some things just have no explanation.  I wanted, no, needed, him near me.

“You don’t even know my name, I don’t know yours… did you say Yoga class?  I’ve never done Yoga; don’t know much about it except what I’ve read.  I don’t see the point of it, actually.”  He had a pleasant bass voice that filled my heart with instant and deep longing.  I wanted to swim in it, naked. 

“I’m Giselle.  You?”

“Matthew,  Matthew Hislop.   What’s your last name?”

“Oh, it’s Laliberté.  That’s my maiden name, never married.”  Then it struck me, why did I volunteer that information?  I know, I wanted him, and my woman’s intuition told me to make myself vulnerable, the best way to attract him in case my physical attributes weren’t enough.  Did I ask myself if he was married?  No.  It’s as if I knew he was free, available and could be mine. 

It worked.  I came to my stop, got off and he followed me. 

“Yoga class, Matthew?”

“Yes.  Why not?  I’m intrigued now.” 

We did Yoga together.  Two days and I was in his apartment making love with him. I was a twenty two year old virgin.  It was as wonderful as it was frightening.  I felt so terribly alone and vulnerable and sure of only one thing: I was lost in his maleness.  My lust turned to love and in his own way, he began to love me.  How could any woman leave such a man?

I learned how.  He did not engage.  It was as if he was always in two worlds, one that included me, an exciting convenience, a fun thing, a trophy girl, and another that no one would ever be allowed in.  I would have left him after that first week but my body would not let me.  I could not imagine ever encountering him when he wasn’t mine.  I was addicted to him, to his body, to his hands, to his voice and breath.  He exuded a kind of brutal magic I was powerless to break. 

Which brings me back to our dinner date at Michael’s where I had intended to confront his coldness.  It wasn’t going to happen, I already knew before I got there.  I was still taken, and I would remain taken unless his coldness became misogynistic.  I would never tolerate that, not ever.  Somehow, again that intuition, I knew he would never turn on me.

I would live my life with him and take care of him as he got older. 

I can imagine cutting his graying hair, trimming his eyebrows and ear hairs.  I can imagine even more personal caring.  Though he is a much better cook than I, I can also imagine the time when I’ll have to do it for him.  By then of course I will have learned to make his favourite dishes.  I can imagine my love for him growing in his cold soil.  I am that kind of seed that does best in a winter soil.  And I have a heart that needs to give.  He would fulfill that need for me.  With him I can imagine the unimaginable and thrill at the thoughts.  

I got lucky, there is no denying that, but perhaps he got even luckier. 

 

Sha’Dow Dream Weaver

       [poem by  ~burning woman~  ]

We’ve only just met, so you believe
But I’ve known you for many long years
Watched you grow, watched you develop
Seeing your follies and bewilderments
As your body dragged you into puberty

I made certain you would never see me
Hiding in the shadows that encompassed
Your days, your events, your wet dreams
I sent others to waylay you, to seduce
Desiring to know what you would do

Now I reveal myself to your wondering mind
To your wandering eyes and thoughts
Who is she, you think, can I trust her
You question yourself as you fall deeper
Into my siren image from dream-time lust

It’s simple to pretend we’ve never met
I certainly can and for you it’s true
You only saw me in your adolescent dreams
Dreams I gave you, fed you, for anticipation
Now I manifest from shadows: take me

 

Liza’s Invisible Man

[a short story, by Sha’Tara]

For those who know me, this needs no introduction.  For those who don’t know me, I’m the recluse, the quiet one, the dreamer.  I live on the edge of the worlds that have made a pretence of harbouring me, and I do not trust them.  I trust nothing that pretends to be what it isn’t and if life has taught me anything, it’s that everything is pretence.  Fake.  Lies.  Definitely not conducive to trust.

But now, imagine the opposite; that everything was trustworthy, safe, true, real.  Can you imagine the extreme boredom of such a condition?  Unthinkable to me.  And this brings me to talk about Elizabeth, or Liza as she was then known.

Liza was a bit crazy.  Some said it was because both her parents died in jail and that her adoptive parents should have gotten the same.  I only knew the bits about her I got to know during our last two years of high school.  We sat together sometimes during lunch and compared notes.  We talked about boyfriends, well, as I remember she didn’t say all that much.

“C’mon Liza, who is he?” I pushed her once.

“Not that it’s anybody’s business, but he’s the invisible man.  Much too old and sophisticated to be around here.  He’s self assured, rich but not ostentatious.  He can be funny at times.  But I like him best when he’s being serious.”

“Oh!  And the name of this paragon of manhood?”

“He doesn’t have a name.  A name would spoil him, it, the scene, can’t you see that?  An invisible man with a name?  That would make him visible.”

“So who is it? Who?”

“He’s the invisible man.  Why do you want to know more?”

“It’s natural curiosity, Liza.  Maybe… maybe he doesn’t exist at all except in your mind, yes?  Is that why you won’t tell me who he is?  He’s a figment of your imagination?”

“Is that what you think?  That I’m hallucinating a man?  That I couldn’t get one any other way?”  She got up, threw her lunch wastes in the garbage bin and walked away without turning her head, her pony tail swinging wildly as she walked out of the cafeteria.

That was the last time we talked.  She avoided me after that and frankly I was relieved.  That was too close for comfort.  I’m a book person.  Other peoples’ private lives might contain a certain aura of mental interest but not for very long.  Boredom sets in.  I prefer action romance to every day middle class lives of frustrated teens with bad sexual experiences or hearing about their parents’ failed lives.  Jesus, listen to me.  Seventeen and as jaded as an old spinster.  “Oh Jane, you’ve got the brains, the marks, you can be whatever you want.  A librarian?  There’s no future in that, haven’t you heard of computers?  By the time you’re thirty libraries will exist in the cloud and a book will be something you go see in a museum, or in someone’s collection.  Really Jane, where’s the drive?”  It was that line, or similar lines, that followed me through high school.  But what better company can one have but books?

About a month after the cafeteria incident, Monday morning, I came in to an announcement for a general meeting for the entire school in the auditorium.  Bother, I hate these things.  Hired a new business manager?  The grade eleven Physics teacher quit?  The principal got an award for saving a few thousand dollars for the school by closing down the music department? New security measures to be taken?  Whatever it is, it’s the last place I want to go to, but no choice, the hallways were blocked and we were all ushered into the auditorium.

We took seats and we waited, nervously, impatiently and noisily.  I wasn’t the only one who didn’t want to be there.  Finally our vice principal, Mr. Morgan, came on the stage and asked for silence.  After some time the room quietened completely.

“Students of Eleanor Pringle High, I’m sad to announce that I have some bad news for you, for all of us.  One of your classmates, fellow student, Elizabeth Raynor was found murdered in Sullivan park early this morning.  This news was kept from the media until this announcement could be made.  Counselling services for those close to Miss Raynor are available through the office.  Any of you who wish to deal with this in your own way by taking the day off may do so.  Normal classes to resume tomorrow morning.  Again, the principal, myself and all the staff offer their sympathies for your loss, our loss.”

After dismissal I was accosted by Brian Lopez.  “Hey Jane, you used to talk to Liza at lunch.  Do you remember her talking about an invisible man?”

“Yeah, sure, why?”

“Did she ever describe him, like what he looked like, give you his name?”

“She wouldn’t talk about it, said he had to remain invisible.”

“That’s it, see?  Yesterday around lunch time we met at the Subway in the mall.  We sat together for a snack and talked.  She was excited, said she was meeting her invisible man in the park that evening.”