I’m not a Broker of Emotions

[thoughts from ~burning woman~ a poem]

For a while we felt good together, didn’t we?
After I had agreed you could hold me.
You could also kiss me, and freely fondle:
I knew how much that made you feel good
and I’m all about that, you know,
making you feel good. As a woman
that validates me; gives me purpose.
And you know what else I like?
I like sleeping with you. You smell good,
you have such a warm, hard body.
Why would I not want to be with you?

So we spent time together and it was,
should I repeat it? Good, real good.
The more I gave you, the more I got
as you searched me for more pleasure:
I didn’t mind, believe me, I didn’t.
You were like a baby seeking a nipple,
I felt your desire and your hunger
and me anticipating your solace
finding your pleasure and satisfaction
in me, from me, me feeding, you suckling.
We had it all, I thought, oh, so wonderful
Until you looked down and felt your fear.

That’s when you deliberately spoiled it.
You wanted it to be more than I could give:
you wanted it to be love, you insisted
it had to be love though I had warned you
before the eyes, the hugging, the kissing,
The fondling and finally the naked fucking…
I don’t do love, OK? It is my prerogative
and why would I pretend to such a thing?
I’m not a deal maker or broker of emotions.
Yet you insisted; you insist: must be love.
I’m sorry, truly I am, but I don’t do love.
I can however, help you pack if you want.

 

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25 thoughts on “I’m not a Broker of Emotions

    1. Sha'Tara Post author

      Thanks Frank. Yes, well, these are “strange” times, aren’t they. But if we are to speak seriously about the empowerment of women, something very important to me, then we have to look at how a self-empowered woman would look at a relationship with a man if she chooses to engage one. The women always seemed to “want more” because they knew, and know, that they will always end up on the short end of the stick, alone to raise children, more often than not without even any child support, and she will be expected to perform that role while holding two jobs and if she fails, she will be to blame and her children will be taken from her. Women in traditional trappings don’t want “more” (except for some rich bitches who hook men for their money and have pre-nups); they want some sort of security for themselves and their children.

      Reply
  1. George F.

    Heart-breaking, brutally honest, and beautifully written. Thanks for this one. “All my bags are packed, I’m ready to go, I’m standing here, outside your door, already I’m so lonely I could cry.” Song lyrics came to mind.

    Reply
  2. kertsen

    We are all brokers of emotions they are the stocking trade of humans and animals. In many cases they are far more powerful than intellectual arguments and enable us to get our own way. Friendship having been formed created mutual expectancy , so we deal with friends differently th

    Reply
  3. kertsen

    than how we deal with strangers. The exchange of money or position for emotional satisfaction is prostitution and has always been with us since currency began.

    Reply
    1. Sha'Tara Post author

      Thanks Kersten. I am not sure I follow your argument here. I never considered animals as having emotions. Feelings, sure, but emotions? There’s another term few bother ever defining properly. I agree with you on this about emotions: “In many cases they are far more powerful than intellectual arguments and enable us to get our own way.” As in tantrums, road rage, rampaging mobs, lynchings, mass shootings and a man “in lust” forcing himself on a woman, or another in anger beating a child to death, among other things. I consider the wisest those who understand that emotions are the poison emanating from feelings, just like exhaust is the poison from an internal combustion engine. The wise don’t suck on their emotions looking for personal satisfaction. They do not “broker” emotions. Anyone who was ever physically and mentally abused as a child and observed her mother being abused in the same way knows all about that particular madness.

      Reply
      1. kertsen

        You are restating the principle ‘ once bitten twice shy ‘. We advance or withdraw towards others as we feel comfortable , I might feel very happy chatting over the fence with a neighbour but not so happy sharing a kitchen. You know the joke my wife seems fine but you don’t live with her.
        The aid worker is glad not to sleep in the shop doorway. I’ve been looking for these wise you mention for a long time but now I know it’s going to be tough since they don’t seek personal satisfaction. Four fifths of the human iceberg is under the water but we must not ignore it.

      2. Sha'Tara Post author

        Once bitten, twice shy… hm, how about too many times bitten? Are we not supposed to learn from experiences? Should we not project our own individual experiences “out there” and draw conclusions about the affairs of the whole? As regards relationship, I think we are talking about different things, Kersten. I’m looking upon a world I have analyzed and dissected through observation and experience, using books, history and education as the mortar between the stones of observation and experience. I don’t seek personal comfort in interaction with others, I seek to understand them, and help them understand themselves. If at all possible, I would also free them from their traditions, belief systems, expectations, false hopes and demonstrate how often they are the cause of their own problems. In short, I would explain how they may become self empowered. I’m not looking to using others as a source of personal comfort, protection or validation. Whatever this world had to give me, it exhausted a long time ago. Now I have something to give it, something it doesn’t understand, therefore doesn’t want. It’s an interesting place to be in.
        You use the iceberg analogy to human civilization. That’s a good one. 4/5th are drowning as a matter of fact, kept below the water by their own weight and pressure brought to bear by their elites. That iceberg can actually be flipped upside down, should the drowning realize two things: one, that they are indeed drowning and two, they have the means within themselves to float themselves up to the surface of the sea of humanity. And what does it take for those of us who like to think we’ve risen above the surface, to “not ignore” the drowning 4/5th? Compassion and empathy.

      3. kertsen

        Understanding ourselves has already been achieved it is controlling ourselves that is the hard bit and that is because we have alsorts of agendas, desires, plans etc. Our hopes are not false in many cases simply wrong. I pick on Mr Trump as a good example since he makes some of his hopes very clear and the consequences are grim.
        I find an exhausted voice at times in your blogs ‘ whatever this world had to give me ‘ — well there is a lot left .

      4. Sha'Tara Post author

        Thanks for your comment, Kertsen. Quote: “I find an exhausted voice at times in your blogs ‘ whatever this world had to give me ‘ — well there is a lot left .” Sometimes I fear you may be right about that; the “world” can be a vindictive sucker and it doesn’t like to let go when it’s got tough victims to play with. I mean that in the best possible way, of course. 🙂
        I wasn’t very long in years when I realized that some people are born with a “doom” over their heads (the meaning of that word was better understood long ago) like fate. As the stories tell it, particularly in Celtic lore, such doom isn’t known until after death. But what if a vision comes to you when you are twelve years of age and tells you you have been “tagged” and you carry this thing, and will until you die? What if it drives you to seriously contemplating suicide when you realize that a normal life will never be possible for you, but that you will spend all your days, no matter where or how you live them, seeking, questing, for answers, driving yourself against that wall time and again? That “Messiah” thing, you’ve got to save the world… well, either you do it, whatever that implies, or you say to yourself, OK, I’m certifiable and there’s something seriously wrong with my brain.

        But does a crazy person know, and admit, they’re crazy? Does a crazy person attract “Teachers” who would spend 20 years expounding on the concepts of self-denial, self-sacrifice, compassion, empathy, service for its own sake? Would a crazy person know about Joy and Sorrow (in the capitalized sense of those two key ingredients of life). To my family and my “normal” world, I was always crazy, the one who didn’t fit, but it was that same world that came to me for help when there was trouble. I gave that help, not because I was particularly virtuous but because it was in my nature to do so – couldn’t help it. While I have always hated “the world” because I could see the evil inside of it, I equally “loved” the people caught in it who didn’t know they had any alternative; who didn’t realize they were its victims. Only it wasn’t love, as I discovered much later in life, it was compassion – a driving force.

        I needed two things to stay meaningfully alive: the freedom to ask all the tough questions about everything, and the freedom to give myself to others. Selfishly I thought that service would wear me out, decimate my health. It didn’t. So I’m in the world and definitely not of it. Yet everything here wears down, Kertsen. I feel worn. Like butter spread too thinly over too much bread, as Bilbo Baggins put it in “The Lord of the Rings.” If there was a “Rivendell” I knew about, I’d be on my way come morning and I would gladly leave the ring of power and everything else behind. I might even walk all the way to the Grey Havens and attempt to board the white ships to the everlasting shores. There is but one item on my bucket list and it’s a request to the world: Let me go!

      5. kertsen

        I understand your intensity and Tolkien released his by composing Lord of the Rings and Frodo is no doubt an image of Christ , saving the world. It’s the way artists release their tension, in his great funeral march on the piano Beethoven goes mad in the central portion screaming out against oblivion overcoming death and destruction shattering the listener. Make another request to the world besides let me go you will have to go soon enough. I stood in my small back garden yesterday and stared at the great constellation of Orion and the Nebulae hanging in the sword handle , the cold dropped away and the silence of the stars touched my inner being. Leave the white ships awhile their time will come.

      6. Sha'Tara Post author

        Thanks for that wonderful comment, Kertsen. I’m glad you can have such “visions” from your garden! I will let my “request” stand but perhaps I can made a different one of myself. I’ve never been a quitter and perhaps this “let me go” thing is too maudlin, too self-centered. I have to admit, you are absolutely correct when you say, it will come soon enough. I’m a fool, really. Thank you again, I treasure your wisdom here.

  4. Akhila

    Ah.. the real women! Let her come out from the shells of prejudices. She can also tell a man “don’t do love me”

    Reply
    1. Sha'Tara Post author

      Thanks Akhila… if there is a “lesson” in there, that is it!!! This ties in with what you said about trust also, and how, with our silly emotions, we let ourselves be manipulated into untenable situations; how we turn what could be just good into theaters of war. I so long to see a world where everyone is self empowered!

      Reply
  5. Akhila

    Reblogged this on Words and Notion and commented:
    Why should women be the broker of emotions always? Let the role be reversed. She doesn’t want anything more. Let her come out from the shells of prejudices. She is strong enough to tell a man “don’t do love me”

    Reply
  6. Pingback: Don’t do love me – Words and Notion

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