(Disclaimer: Ready for some satirically historical or historically hysterical, anecdotes? I do hope you remembered to leave your sensitivities on the “Welcome” mat at the door as they would be somewhat of an impediment in this reading room.)
(breaking news by Sha’Tara-for immediate release)
The following, as you may remember from your second year of Bible college history, is but a synopsis of what actually happened following the crucifixion of Jesus of Nazareth. As you all know, a report was filed by Pilate and sent to Rome to be entered in the legal archives on Iron Mountain. The report, however, never got to Rome and this raised some questions. Was there even a report?
After a great deal of trouble on my part, some bribing of priests and assorted officials, I finally got to the truth of the report’s disappearance. Having already spent a great deal of time and money learning about this event, I thought it behooved me to fill you in on a few missing details. I think you really want to know what actually happened, not just to the report itself, but to the changes wrought upon our history as a result of its loss.
The following document is certified true by the local “born again” member of parliament, the Catholic priest, academia and the local chapter of global main stream media. It also passed muster on Facebook, going viral with over 956 thousand “Likes” and counting, so you know it can’t be false.
According to the revealed documents, it was well known to all that Pilate and Herod (the two “principals” involved in the controversial event known as The Crucifixion) were not only enemies, but cheapskates. Pilate actually invented Romanomics by privatizing all Roman shipping within his area of control. In this case, Publishus Bullshitus, the corporate owner of all mainstream media in Palestine, Persia and twenty-six and a half Greek islands linked by a Central Economic Union and the Trans-Greece Trade Agreement or TGTA, authorized a third page editorial in the Jerusalem Times that addresses this very issue: Pilate’s official report on the crucifixion of Jesus intended for the Roman Curia. (They called these jurists “the Curia” because they were insatiably curious, no other reason to go look under rocks here, so let’s move on.)
According to the editorial which glowingly endorses Pilate’s privatization schemes, the report was duly written up, scrolled up as per custom, sealed in an earthen jar, also as per custom, then handed over to a Carthaginian trader who sailed a trireme loaded with sweet potatoes. The ship’s manifest says it was destined for Bari which, as you all know, or Googled you cheaters, is on the east coast of the Roman peninsula – a peninsula that would not become Italian for quite a few years hence – and basically across from Rome, which is on the west coast of same said peninsula.
Once duly received by port officials, the scroll would be taken across the peninsula to Rome by official horseback mail, not to be confused with the rider who also wore mail in the distant, seldom successful hope of thwarting terrorist arrows. So unlike today, remember that terrorists were everywhere in those days.
The trireme, and this is also on record, was named “The Unsinkable” and until that trip had earned its name by reputation on many occasions. The editorial, praising the fact that it cost Pilate about a third of normal government fees to ship privately, since the owners of private shipping exclusively used slave labour for rowers, mentions that “The Unsinkable” never made it to its destination. As usual terrorists are blamed for this in the MSM (Main Stream Media) press editorials, but it is well known that non-official sources from a host of social media and the hated “Esseneleaks” sources mention a storm of massive proportions sweeping across the Mediterranean sea at that time, with waves over a hundred elbows in height.
These social media sources lumped in with some New Age predictions, go on at length about “climate change,” earthquakes and suddenly erupting volcanoes that will toss the entire Mediterranean sea into the “Great Ocean” then close the entry at Gibraltar; and finally a total global cooling due to the darkening of the skies. A Western mage named Alexus Jonesephus declares, “It’s the end of the world as we’ve known it folks! It’s become prey to demonic forces gathering in the Sahara desert for an invasion of the northern continent! When the sirocco begins to blow they will fly across the Atlas mountains and over the dry bed of the Mediterranean. Now look here at my drawing: when you look in the faces of those Saharans, you can see the demonic in them: they are black! This is it! This is it! These are not conspiracy theories, people, it’s happening, right now! Just look at my drawings, read my lips, buy my scrolls!”
More alt-right conservative sources attribute the storm to Jesus who knew, of course, that the report falsely accused him of sedition.
Jesus, having painfully raised himself from the dead over a period of two and a half days,and blown open the cave that held his body captive, stunning the guards with a Tazer which Mary Magdalene “the mad” and his mom “Mary the virgin” had secreted under his burial shroud, was by then re-installed in his office in his heavenly high-rise, two floors below that of his Father, with whom he wasn’t on speaking terms at the moment due to the fact that the old fart had left him to die on that cross, considering it a double-cross on the part of the old man who worried that Jesus would depose him with the help of his Earthian legions. (I hope you weren’t trying to hold your breath while reading that sentence. I could, of course, have broken it up but I thought it funny to watch some of you turn blue as you tried to read it to the end without stopping.)
At the moment however, Jesus was busy plotting the overthrow of the Roman Empire by designing a new religion that would simply take it over from within, then turn everybody on everybody else in an endless wave of bloodshed purportedly intended to defeat the terrorists. “There WILL always be terrorists; there MUST always be terrorists!” He’d thundered, pointing at his major-domo, since it was dinner time and there was nobody else to thunder at.
Back in the office, then. “Sedition?” he thundered (it is the prerogative of all top echelon male deities to thunder) at his cowering scribes, “I’ll show them some truly god-damned sedition!” Then he drove his fist, which had lost much sensitivity due to an incurable infection from a rusty nail, through the oak desk. He looked as his shaking scribes and laughed uproariously: “Don’t you hate it when that happens? Get me a new desk, and this time I want an abacus with it. And bring me a tall busty blonde Nordic slave girl in some gauzy outfit, no chains. And teach her to work the thing. I need some entertainment and some bang for my Drachma.
“Damn Chinese think they can calculate faster than us, do they? I’ll show them. I’ll teach them to refuse to believe in me. I’ll invade them with my religion, that’s what I’ll do, and I’ll corrupt them completely by bringing Roman depravity right into their temples and hovels. I’ll have my disciples show them how to use opium illegally. Such a sweet deal: we all know that if you deny an Earthian anything he’ll want it ten times to a hundred times more. They’ll go soft, stop growing their own food and starve. Oh yes, they’ll understand what we mean when we say, “We come, we see, you die!”
God, (I should have used the expletive “Christ” that’s to become so common on earth, since I mean me, not the old fart in the penthouse) I feel so much better already. I’m ready for my game of squash, where the hell is Rufix the Red? Red!? If he’s late one more time, I’m having him branded. No, I’ll have him sent to hell as a gift to my bro and instruct Sate to chain him to a gridiron over a very slow flame.”
The rest, as they say, is history, and that ain’t over until the fat lady sings, they also say, however incorrectly political, or is that politically incorrect, the line now is. I don’t make these things up, I just report the facts, just the facts, ma’am.
As you can readily see by my short article on this rather well-worn piece of pre-Romanesque history, things were a lot different in those days.
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