The Case of the Crucifixion Report

(Disclaimer:  Ready for some satirically historical or historically hysterical, anecdotes?  I do hope you remembered to leave your sensitivities on the “Welcome” mat at the door as they would be somewhat of an impediment in this reading room.)

(breaking news by Sha’Tara-for immediate release)  

The following, as you may remember from your second year of Bible college history, is but a synopsis of what actually happened following the crucifixion of Jesus of Nazareth.  As you all know, a report was filed by Pilate and sent to Rome to be entered in the legal archives on Iron Mountain.  The report, however, never got to Rome and this raised some questions. Was there even a report?

After a great deal of trouble on my part, some bribing of priests and assorted officials, I finally got to the truth of the report’s disappearance.  Having already spent a great deal of time and money learning about this event, I thought it behooved me to fill you in on a few missing details.  I think you really want to know what actually happened, not just to the report itself, but to the changes wrought upon our history as a result of its loss.

The following document is certified true by the local “born again” member of parliament, the Catholic priest, academia and the local chapter of global main stream media.  It also passed muster on Facebook, going viral with over 956 thousand “Likes” and counting, so you know it can’t be false.

According to the revealed documents, it was well known to all that Pilate and Herod (the two “principals” involved in the controversial event known as The Crucifixion) were not only enemies, but cheapskates.  Pilate actually invented Romanomics by privatizing all Roman shipping within his area of control.  In this case, Publishus Bullshitus, the corporate owner of all mainstream media in Palestine, Persia and twenty-six and a half Greek islands linked by a Central Economic Union and the Trans-Greece Trade Agreement or TGTA, authorized a third page editorial in the Jerusalem Times that addresses this very issue: Pilate’s official report on the crucifixion of Jesus intended for the Roman Curia. (They called these jurists “the Curia” because they were insatiably curious, no other reason to go look under rocks here, so let’s move on.)

According to the editorial which glowingly endorses Pilate’s privatization schemes, the report was duly written up, scrolled up as per custom, sealed in an earthen jar, also as per custom, then handed over to a Carthaginian trader who sailed a trireme loaded with sweet potatoes.  The ship’s manifest says it was destined for Bari which, as you all know, or Googled you cheaters, is on the east coast of the Roman peninsula – a peninsula that would not become Italian for quite a few years hence – and basically across from Rome, which is on the west coast of same said peninsula.

Once duly received by port officials, the scroll would be taken across the peninsula to Rome by official horseback mail, not to be confused with the rider who also wore mail in the distant, seldom successful hope of thwarting terrorist arrows.  So unlike today, remember that terrorists were everywhere in those days.

The trireme, and this is also on record, was named “The Unsinkable” and until that trip had earned its name by reputation on many occasions.  The editorial, praising the fact that it cost Pilate about a third of normal government fees to ship privately, since the owners of private shipping exclusively used slave labour for rowers, mentions that “The Unsinkable” never made it to its destination.  As usual terrorists are blamed for this in the MSM (Main Stream Media) press editorials, but it is well known that non-official sources from a host of social media and the hated “Esseneleaks” sources mention a storm of massive proportions sweeping across the Mediterranean sea at that time, with waves over a hundred elbows in height.

These social media sources lumped in with some New Age predictions, go on at length about “climate change,” earthquakes and suddenly erupting volcanoes that will toss the entire Mediterranean sea into the “Great Ocean” then close the entry at Gibraltar; and finally a total global cooling due to the darkening of the skies.  A Western mage named Alexus Jonesephus declares, “It’s the end of the world as we’ve known it folks! It’s become prey to demonic forces gathering in the Sahara desert for an invasion of the northern continent!  When the sirocco begins to blow they will fly across the Atlas mountains and over the dry bed of the Mediterranean.  Now look here at my drawing:  when you look in the faces of those Saharans, you can see the demonic in them: they are black!  This is it!   This is it!  These are not conspiracy theories, people, it’s happening, right now!  Just look at my drawings, read my lips, buy my scrolls!”

More alt-right conservative sources attribute the storm to Jesus who knew, of course, that the report falsely accused him of sedition.

Jesus, having painfully raised himself from the dead over a period of two and a half days,and blown open the cave that held his body captive, stunning the guards with a Tazer which Mary Magdalene “the mad” and his mom “Mary the virgin” had secreted under his burial shroud, was by then re-installed in his office in his heavenly high-rise, two floors below that of his Father, with whom he wasn’t on speaking terms at the moment due to the fact that the old fart had left him to die on that cross, considering it a double-cross on the part of the old man who worried that Jesus would depose him with the help of his Earthian legions.  (I hope you weren’t trying to hold your breath while reading that sentence.  I could, of course, have broken it up but I thought it funny to watch some of you turn blue as you tried to read it to the end without stopping.)

At the moment however, Jesus was busy plotting the overthrow of the Roman Empire by designing a new religion that would simply take it over from within, then turn everybody on everybody else in an endless wave of bloodshed purportedly intended to defeat the terrorists.  “There WILL always be terrorists; there MUST always be terrorists!” He’d thundered, pointing at his major-domo, since it was dinner time and there was nobody else to thunder at.

Back in the office, then.  “Sedition?” he thundered (it is the prerogative of all top echelon male deities to thunder) at his cowering scribes,  “I’ll show them some truly god-damned sedition!”  Then he drove his fist, which had lost much sensitivity due to an incurable infection from a rusty nail, through the oak desk. He looked as his shaking scribes and laughed uproariously: “Don’t you hate it when that happens?  Get me a new desk, and this time I want an abacus with it.  And bring me a tall busty blonde Nordic slave girl in some gauzy outfit, no chains.  And teach her to work the thing.  I need some entertainment and some bang for my Drachma.

“Damn Chinese think they can calculate faster than us, do they? I’ll show them.  I’ll teach them to refuse to believe in me.  I’ll invade them with my religion, that’s what I’ll do, and I’ll corrupt them completely by bringing Roman depravity right into their temples and hovels. I’ll have my disciples show them how to use opium illegally.  Such a sweet deal: we all know that if you deny an Earthian anything he’ll want it ten times to a hundred times more.  They’ll go soft, stop growing their own food and starve.  Oh yes, they’ll understand what we mean when we say, “We come, we see, you die!”

God, (I should have used the expletive “Christ” that’s to become so common on earth, since I mean me, not the old fart in the penthouse) I feel so much better already.  I’m ready for my game of squash, where the hell is Rufix the Red?  Red!?  If he’s late one more time, I’m having him branded.  No, I’ll have him sent to hell as a gift to my bro and instruct Sate to chain him to a gridiron over a very slow flame.”

The rest, as they say, is history, and that ain’t over until the fat lady sings, they also say, however incorrectly political, or is that politically incorrect, the line now is.  I don’t make these things up, I just report the facts,  just the facts, ma’am.

As you can readily see by my short article on this rather well-worn piece of pre-Romanesque history, things were a lot different in those days.

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33 thoughts on “The Case of the Crucifixion Report

  1. Phil Huston

    Wait a minute. Gibraltar wasn’t owned by an insurance company yet? No reinsurance available to the great ocean tossing event? No wonder I can’t get a call back on the claims line.

    1. Sha'Tara Post author

      No, “the rock” was still just “the rock” – sorry about that. Besides it was considered an act of god – not covered. 🙂

      1. We come from dreams ~

        ……and all of those Neanderthals hifing in that cave for 50,000 years…….

  2. Pingback: The Case of the Crucifixion Report — ~Burning Woman~ | Lotusphere

      1. Sha'Tara Post author

        I actually liked the concept of Neanderthals hifing in a cave 50,000 years ago. The sad thing is, the last known case of unsuccessful cave hifing was accidentally discovered in a cave on the northern border between Finland and Norway. Apparently there was a rock slide caused by too many people hifing at the same time. The 23 hifers were trapped in the cave and starved to death. This was dated at 47,834 years ago, as verified by Alex Jones, CNN and Vogue.

  3. Lily Von Valley

    I rather better liked the ‘good’ Jesus, with his unconditional love, and super Saviour qualities and non-violence. Branding Rufix the Red, do you think he’ll be into body modification? Sha’Tara, am I waking up from a dream – I smell burning flesh? :-)))))

    1. Sha'Tara Post author

      Hah! I used to like the good Jesus, long long ago when the earth was green… then my life intersected with the real world i.e., I lost my naivety and virginity, and the legacy of the Jesus story morphed into Christianity, and, well, I lost my respect for the guy because that shouldn’t have happened you see. “We” were promised God’s Holy Spirit so we would know all things and be empowered to teach those things to anyone who asked. There are a half dozen instances where that may have happened, and then… organized religion. Neither God, not Jesus, nor the Holy Spirit did a thing about their teachings being usurped by self-seeking sociopaths. And we’re supposed to keep on keeping on regardless of the results? Like keeping on voting for 360 degree corruption? I expected more from God after all that I invested into the idea. If you work for someone heart and soul after they promise to “pay” you and they don’t, the only logical choice left is to quit, and never forget that your were robbed.
      Did you smell burning flesh? You probably did… 🙂

      1. Lily Von Valley

        I feel the same about alot of the beliefs and views I was brought up with. I suppose it’s to do with growing up, and re-examining the world for oneself . It’s perfectly understandable how you conclude that you were ‘cheated” and “robbed”.

        Recently, early 2016,I’ve been thinking about the human evolutionary transition that’s currently underway, merging biology and technology to which we are subject without our consent, just at the point when I was beginning to come to terms with the meaning of life, who and what we are, from where we’ve come and where we’re going, to be stopped in my tracks with the revelation of this new course of direction. How hopeless, and helpless I feel, at angered by it all!

        Ps, it was a measured decision to not spare you from Christmas 🎅 wishes.

      2. Sha'Tara Post author

        It was a good decision. Back up in your comment about the merging of biology and technology, that is inevitable, partly because physical worlds are ever in transition (measured in eons, and we only have millennia of history so we have nothing to measure the results of such transitioning) thus merging biology with technology is but a step-it does not affect the mind except in discovery; and partly because man’s civilization has gone off the rail, is utterly mad and irredeemable. It is at this point that the mind being pulls back and seeks a new path for itself until the body fails and it is free again to pursue its own interests and purpose.

      3. We come from dreams ~

        Technology is in our genes. Hermit crabs – cute little hermit crabs are using a primitive form of technology when they move into a new snail shell Crows which use sticks to pry things open or out of the ground are using technology, and they are aware of what they’re doing. Although a crow’s brain is about the size of a peanut, it evolved into a feeling, thinking, language using creature without our huge forebrain. In its place there is a tiny organ which functions just as well (or better, as I raised a considerable number of them) as our ‘crown of creation’ forebrain. Technology is also symbiosis. During the first era of living things, tiny virus-like structures moved into the nucleus of a cell; safely housed, it provided energy for the cell. Today, we call them mitochondria.

        There are three things here to consider. Will a human being be able to merge with (say) a computer, so that a silicon immortality can take place? The guy pushing that one is Ray Kurzweil. (Link below) This is likely going to happen; but what if the drive you are now “living” in fails, or gets a virus? And only the uber-rich will be able to afford it. Second, will the machines rise up and take over, as in the Terminator and Matrix franchises? While there is some (not much) evidence the Internet is sentient, it becomes a philosophical question: is it TRULY aware, or only a faux awareness? I go with the latter – for now. For the Internet to become truly aware, it would have to self-diagnose problems (213 servers gone done in Google Server Farm 67) and do something (without human intervention) to make necessary repairs. Not on the horizon. Lastly, will we ever create a genuine artificial intelligence, like Data in the second Star Trek franchise? I give that one 500 years, for reasons I don’t wanna go into. And that is, IF we have another 500 years.

      4. Sha'Tara Post author

        Speaking of technology, jeez, looeeze, WordPress, get a life! Don’t you hate it that the comment you are responding to is placed at the very top of the thread, but the comment box at the very bottom? Couldn’t it just be at the bottom of the comment being responded to?
        Your comment on technology is spot on. First realization on tech. by the Teachers: you are an intelligent machine, get used to it. Your environment is basically a machine world, but so different from the toys you invent from it, you fail to see the connection. The danger you face, as a technological-mechanistic civilization is that you see putting man-made bits into your bodies as an improvement: it’s the opposite. You already possess all you need for perfect interaction with what you call your natural environment, you just insist on ruining it by demanding things of it you shouldn’t and if you were properly integrated mind to body, you wouldn’t ask of it. You’re hugely dummied down while insisting it’s the opposite. Grow up, people.
        Those who fear implantation of man-made mechanical/computerized parts into the human body are quite correct: it’s a terrible misuse and deadly misdirection. You cannot improve on perfection, but you can certainly distort it; make monsters to fight wars for example when logic says, cancel the war thing instead – see what we mean? So it went.
        As to improving directly accessible memory, I know that the removal of stress greatly improves my ability to remember details, or see “the bigger picture” and work with that.
        So to conclude, we don’t need to implant our bodies with mechanical parts, it’s a backward process. Also, the more we re-design our bodies to rely on mechanical parts, the less adaptive they will be to changing conditions, the more their immune systems will collapse, the sicker and weaker they will become. We can already see this in the reliance on drugs and medical implants as well as the growing plethora of body assisting mechanisms such as power wheel chairs, etc, and etc.

      5. Lily Von Valley

        Inevitable, yes it is/was so. I had a romantic sort of inevability invested in the grandeur of Man, a Nietzchien kind of delight and the flight of Superman wondering about His capacaity enhanced by the brilliance of his brain power, to achieve all levels…. I can’t imagine the effect on the mind, couped up ina robotic body or interface system….these days not harnessing but harvesting consciousness is firmly of the menu, making the mind a virtual prisoner

      6. Sha'Tara Post author

        Quote: ” I can’t imagine the effect on the mind, couped up ina robotic body or interface system….these days not harnessing but harvesting consciousness is firmly of the menu, making the mind a virtual prisoner.”
        If I hadn’t been shown the “escape route” I’d feel the same way. I’d be hoping for space technology to take giant leaps, and its engineers learning how to embed human brains inside the spaceships to give the ships a human identity. A common theme in the better sci-fi novels. But “the mind” which is “me” in fact isn’t stuck inside a physical machine or envelope, it’s just brainwashed and too lazy to experience the freedom it’s designed for. It’s comfortable in a body and would rather wait for “death” to chuck it out to fend for itself. It’s a sad condition of fallen man that the mind was trapped into believing it’s only real within a physical envelope when the mind is supposed to be what’s in charge, always. We come from Mind and we are made in the image of our maker, actually our progenitor. Not “God” – the character people worship is a demiurge, or demonic. The sad part isn’t our condition – we can break out any time we want – but that we accept being enslaved so easily despite all evidence that what we are engaged in here is the opposite of everything we are meant to be. The sad part is we continue to seek solutions to our problems within the very things that cause those problems. That is why every solution we come up with just creates more problems. Oh, and let “them” try to harvest consciousness, they’ll never touch it. All they can do is destroy the envelopes to which consciousness is temporarily attached, but once the envelope is dead, consciousness “vanishes” from the lab. Jesus, as a matter of fact, put it succinctly: do not fear the one who can destroy the body and do no more, fear the one who can cast both body and soul in hell. And who can do that? No one else but me; my choice, day in, day out. Nothing is “higher” or more powerful than me when I’m in my “right” mind.

      7. Lily Von Valley

        …..It’s (the mind) comfortable in a body and would rather wait for “death” to chuck it out to fend for itself. It’s a sad condition of fallen man that the mind was trapped into believing it’s only real within a physical envelope when the mind is supposed to be what’s in charge, alway…. (quote)

        Would the mind placed in a computer constitute a physical envelope and would it be trapped as it were in the physical human form. Or would the mind use that unbridled power (AI)for its means and freedom?
        your wisdom, and certainty is dazzling to my mind. I find a certain strength in it. Thx💆

      8. Sha'Tara Post author

        I know you weren’t looking for another reply, but I wanted to give credit where it is due: what bits of wisdom, etc., can be found here can be attributed mostly to the “Teachers.” I can take credit for listening, and writing it down… and putting as much of it in practice as I can.
        Quote: “Would the mind placed in a computer constitute a physical envelope and would it be trapped as it were in the physical human form. Or would the mind use that unbridled power (AI)for its means and freedom?”
        Depending on that particular mind’s state of evolution, all of the above. If her ship was blown up in space, then she’d find her forced freedom. What would she do then? Again, depends on what she’s learned along the way. If she’s not immediately trapped by another siren voice into another ship, she may just decide to head out alone into the neverwhere. Speaking of mind, you may find this article interesting:

        Are We Humans Terminally Insane or Just Waking Up? ~ Diagnosis by Paul Levy

        Just copy the line and paste in the search engine, the article comes up. A bit long, but I found it fascinating.

      9. Lily Von Valley

        Hey, thanks. What would She do if her ship blows up… Wow, the shimmering posibilities would spark our curiosity for years to come. But, will hazard a guess, she would end up on a Christmas tree (haha). I’ll look up the article.Thx.

      10. Lily Von Valley

        Are we Humans Terminalally Insane or just Waking Up.That was a brillient read, and I loved the medical metaphor and the pathology imagery to expand the piece. There were many angels to it, but the focal point was the same,and beautifully written.

  4. We come from dreams ~

    Satan here, Ms. Sha’Tara, and I am going to raise hell with Jay for referring to me as “Sate!” If I told the stoopit bastard once, I told him a hundred times, “It’s ‘Sam,’ like, y’know, as in ‘Samael!'” He’s probably still going around telling people that I wear a Timex watch. Low-rent little brother of mine, it’s ROLEX!, damn yer hide! And he wants to roast someone, let him come down here and do it himself. No wonder the Old Man is so pissed. (Oh yeah, HIS name is ‘Joe’)

  5. Sha'Tara Post author

    Oh yeah, he’s doing it to piss you off. You got a bigger chunk of territory than he’ll ever have, and he knows only too well that 98 percent of the population of earth, after he’s done with ’em choose hell for their eternal abode. That’s a lot of rent he’ll never see. And, get this, he’s only been allowed twice in your daddy’s penthouse, once to celebrate Christmas and that ended up in a huge row about the mages, and the fake story of the stable, the next time to celebrate Easter. That would have been truly comical if not for the bloodshed. The old man said he and Jay had a deal about the cross thing, that he’d given him enough drugs he wouldn’t feel a thing for a whole day, that he’d had Mike plant semtex in the burial cave so the entrance could be blown open; said he’d had enough practice raising the dead to figure it out in the cave. Jay was livid, said the deal was he would be lifted up above the crowds just before he got stripped naked and nailed to the cross, and having done it all on his own he was now entitled to run the show in heaven. That did not go over well with “Joe.” And yes, he does go around saying you wear a cheap Timex Judas got you on Boxing Day at Walmart last year. And he jokes about never paying for the gas bills you have to pay to roast his fallen disciples. In fact he’s working another angle against you on the board: to force you to spend even more money on fuel by instituting a minimum heat level requirement for hell. I’d watch my back if I were you, that guy holds a grudge.

    1. We come from dreams ~

      The joke’s on the old man. There’s so much hot air up there we just pipe it down here. And the real reason he’s in the penthouse is his flatulence. One spark and Jay will have the whole place to himself.

      1. Sha'Tara Post author

        I have a great cartoon that would answer you (the caption is, “this quacked me up!) but I don’t know how to post images in comments. Tried and failed, Oh, boo, hoo, hoo… sniff…! accompanied by tears of frustration – no, not enough to go and shoot myself but close.

        You guys down there are really, I mean, really tricky. You used to work illegal pot-growing greenhouses when you were on earth, didn’t you. Admit it.

      2. We come from dreams ~

        We moved the whole shebang to Colorado last year. And my ole buddy Ceannt will be overseeing a similar one in the State of Washington in 2017. When that so-called president they just put into office makes things too hot (pun intended), we’re all going north.

      3. Sha'Tara Post author

        Follow the geese as far as they go to the tundra, then keep going. Next stop: Siberia. Probably the safest bet these days. Canada you say? What a pity! Yes, it’s still OK, but that’s because it would never, ever oppose anything Washington/Wall Street dictates. Look at f******g Justin Trudeau backing off his promise to legalize pot sales now after making that a major part of his campaign. Why is he backing off? Because he’s been told to by the drug war Czar, whomever that may be today. Mr. Playboy lady’s man Stuffed Suit millionaire mindless twit. There’s a picture of him taking off his Trudeau mask and he wears Harper’s face. Wonder why I don’t vote? It’s 360 degree corruption world wide.

      4. We come from dreams ~

        Things have a habit of coming full circle. While Jay and the old man were arguing about the Jews, I created the first pot plants in Siberia some five million years ago. At least the Siberians, when they came along many years later, knew what to do with it.

      5. Sha'Tara Post author

        Did they learn how to make vodka from it, though? You must have taught them about vodka, the Christians over there hate it so much, maybe even more than they hate you, Sate… ooops, sorry, I mean Sam.

      1. Sha'Tara Post author

        OK, I got confused. I looked at the title of the original post and it had the word, crucifixion in it, and had forgotten those poor little pink elephants, then didn’t quite know what to do with the lumberjack song and went… #TILT# (you can ask Sparky what that means, and he’ll tell you: massive headache!)

      2. We come from dreams ~

        Sparky here, Sha’Tara. I know what #TILT# is because my great grandfather was a pinball machine.

      3. Sha'Tara Post author

        There you go. He wasn’t a pin head though, was he, hanging out with the greasy hairdos, black leathers and high-heeled shoes, concealed switch blades in back pockets and sharking at pool halls?

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