I Wonder – an essay

                          I Wonder
                  [thoughts from   ~burning woman~   by Sha’Tara]

       I wonder how many people on this world reach a point of total exhaustion from all the spinning around; all the questioning; all the struggling; all the spending; even all the merry making.  How many wish to stop in the middle of the madness and ask: Why? 
     Why am I doing this?  I’ve done this over and over.  What’s the point? 
      It would seem there does not need to be a point.  Life on earth is like riding the escalator.  If you are on the up side, you move up and if on the down side, you move down — just like everybody else around you.  No point – it’s just the escalator doing its thing and you’re on it.
It’s not so easy to get off the earth escalator, is it.  Even if you stop, you still move, up or down, and so does everything else around you.  You feel helpless to do anything about it.  It’s enough to make one have flying dreams.  To see oneself off the escalator, looking down but no longer bound to its trajectory. 
      There must come a time when one says, “Enough already!”  In “real” time, we don’t ride escalators just for the fun of it, nor do we remain on them.  We use them to get between floors, between “dimensions”, and each floor has something different to offer.  On earth, it’s just one floor and two escalators, one really narrow one that takes you up you don’t know where and that’s scary so very few take it,  and a really wide one that moves down into the darkness – only most riders don’t see that as darkness – they just think it’s the good life club or the bargain basement.  Only its just more darkness.  That’s the Matrix.
     Today I realize more than at any other time that I’m tired of the escalator.  Of the pointlessness of it all.  The quest for things that die.  The quest to satisfy a body that can’t even keep itself going – to keep a defective piece of equipment functioning long past it’s shelf-life.
I want off.  I don’t think that even the upward moving one will take me where I want to go (and do I really know where that is?).  I don’t trust escalators – somehow they’re too easy.  Today, there’s a part of me that wants wings, the power to go wherever I wish without dependency to pre-established paths.  That really wants to fly! 
      There is a growing consensus among Earthians that you can “intent” things; that you can attract things to yourself by thinking positively about them.  Some kind of “attraction” energy.  I wish that were true of all things, not just personal ones!  I have spent a lifetime in “intent” to bring about good things for earth.  I didn’t want them for me, but for the world.
Intent must be a weak force: what I intended for others, I got for me instead.  I don’t see a lot of it having gone out into the world to make it a better place.  So now, having received all the good things I didn’t even want – and certainly didn’t need – things I intended for “YOU” to have, I have nothing left to do here.
     Ah yes, there is one thing left I’d fall for today (I must be soft in the head – but that’s the problem with desire) — I want someone, OK, let’s admit it, I want “God” to come to me and say, “I love you and I’ll take care of everything from now on,” and I want to just give up and reply: “I’m yours, no reservation.”  I would utter Chief Joseph’s famous words: “I shall fight no more forever.”
     Can I do that?  After all I’ve done?  All I’ve stated regarding my distrust of God?  All my anger at global injustice that I blamed on Him and that still rages on?  I’ve trusted Him to be with me and gave Him my entire life on two occasions… and He abandoned me when I needed Him most.
Can I fall for that again?  Has He changed, or have I?
(NOTE: When I say “YOU” below, I mean the world, not an individual person.)
     Was it Him who created the escalator in the first place?  You’ll say to me, “Yeah, well ask Him, don’t ask us.”  But I think that God’s “voice” is humanity.  “YOU” speak for God.  I don’t care about the feel good stuff you say about Him, but YOU are God for me. 
     The only way I’ll ever really see God is by looking at YOU.  The only way I’ll ever know God is by observing YOU.  Can I trust YOU?  Can I give myself to YOU?  If I come to you as just another nameless and faceless of the tens of thousands you kill each day, how much compassion can I expect from YOU?  Better yet, if I come from the “wrong” part of the world, or if I wear the “wrong” type of dress, or the “wrong” skin colour, or speak the “wrong” language, will you see me as just another YOU?
     I think I know the answer.  And that is why I’m tired.  Why I think more and more about a home that is far, far away from “YOU.”
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11 thoughts on “I Wonder – an essay

  1. Sha'Tara Post author

    I fixed a couple of typos, and tried to fix some formatting with no luck, but you may want to click on the post to see the “new and improved” version.

    Reply
  2. Lisa R. Palmer

    Ohhh, Sha’Tara, I can sooo relate to this post, both the words and the tremendous feeling behind them! I am so there with you!

    The only real difference I see between us in this experience is that everything I ever “intended” for me wound up happening for someone else; the so-called power of attraction never drew a single hopeful reward my way, though it manifested perfectly in other people’s lives, right down to details. Even my grand opus, the reference book I wrote and relied upon these past 20-something years has become a television series written by someone else… lol!

    So I sit back and watch, motivated to do nothing more, challenging whatever truly does exist to take the reins and leave me be. And for that I get bedsores on my butt from inactivity…

    I don’t think there are any answers here… But since you aren’t actually asking questions, I suppose that’s how it ought to be. Still doesn’t make it feel right. Or worthwhile…

    But if you find a way to escape that escalator, and you are still able to communicate with US, please do take one last moment to share that revelation. I, for one, am eagerly looking for the way out…

    Reply
    1. Sha'Tara Post author

      [Quote: “The only real difference I see between us in this experience is that everything I ever “intended” for me wound up happening for someone else; the so-called power of attraction never drew a single hopeful reward my way, though it manifested perfectly in other people’s lives, right down to details.” Unquote]

      Now in my world that would have been the validation I needed to realize how blessed I’d been. You see, in a properly working concept, everything we would manifest, or create, would be for someone else, never for the self because as soon as it does manifest for someone else, it means I received it. It could not have gone to that other or those others without passing through me first, obviously since I am the one who called it forth. I gave birth to “that.”

      I could look at it the way you do, but for me that would be a retrograde step. It would mean that I no longer recognize a gift given to me. In my essay, I said I have everything and I was given things I neither wanted nor needed. What I could have added is the reason these ‘things’ remained with me is simply because those for whom they were intended… DID NOT WANT THEM, at least not in the way they were presented. They did not like the packaging, so they rejected the gift. I like the packaging, so I got everything. It isn’t “fair” in a way but it is just.

      It’s an old truism, that we do not get what we ask for because we ask with selfish motives. I know this very well, having worked with that sort of energy. I don’t ask for ~me ~ because that would be admitting that I can’t take care of ~me~ and that would be a lie. I can take care of me, even in tight circumstances: I just change my approach to the problem to make it work. I ask for others because they don’t know how to ask properly, but when I get that which I ask, I can’t give it away. If people would really want to receive good things from “god” or the universe (call it whatever, if doesn’t matter) they must first think it through. And, for every real gift we receive there is a quid-pro-quo; it’s a ‘bargain’ we enter into. If the gift(s) is from a good, trustworthy source, it must go to a good, trustworthy recipient. If there is a need for such a gift, it indicates that there is a need for the recipient to change his/her life to match the source of the gift. Otherwise, what a total waste. It’s not what one gets that matters, it’s how much one does actually CHANGE that matters. By its nature a “good” gift can only go to a good spirit, heart, mind.

      At least, that is what life has taught me, and for me it makes total sense. Any further thoughts, or clarification needed?

      Reply
  3. Fijay

    Oh ShaTara ….a beautifully written post …I love the ‘flame’ in the ‘flaming woman’ of you …..the world DOES seem unfair …unjust …frustrating …enfuriating …I personally don’t believe in ‘God’ as such ….well not one that’s in control of our destiny as such …you know ….’Well I’ll give her that and him that …and those can have this or maybe that’
    Who knows what the answers are Sha Tara ….but my belief is that we are here to live this human life in its entirety …maybe it’ll make sense at the end and maybe not …..but I do believe in an all encompassing ‘energy’ ….you know ‘Om’ as probably blasphemously call it ….and it’s a loving energy ….it wraps you like a cosseting blanket and makes you feel that everything will be ok 🙂
    and I KNOW I can sound a bit evangelical about it …often thought of as a little bit crazy …BUT I cannot emphasise enough about learning to meditate ….and ACTUALLY even tho I said in an earlier post it’s a DIY job ….as I think about it now I needed my Yoga teacher to show me how to do it in the first place ….so maybe find one ShaTara but I hope to goodness it doesn’t make you loose your flame …I would hope it would both give you peace AND fan it 🙂 x

    Reply
    1. Sha'Tara Post author

      Thanks for your thoughtful comment. I know you’re into the “OM” meditation thing, and that’s OK, of course. It would never work for me though. And why not, she asks? Well, because, first of all, I tried it. Oh yes, how I tried it. It’s just not in my nature or DNA, or whatever one would call it. Creatures with wings can fly, those without cannot. That sort of thing. As for “source” well, I “believe all things, believe in nothing” but I “know” that life gives birth to life and for me that is neither contradiction nor difficult to grasp. My own life’s purpose is not dependent on my knowing what the source of “me” happens to be. I’m responsible only for what I was given, what I learned, what I do with it. My “creator” could be a “Tribble” (that’s a cute furry little creature featured on an old Star Trek episode for those who wonder) or it could be a rock, a stick of wood, a river, a star, or even a god or a demon. None of that matters now, because I’ve transcended that and become a ~me~ no longer dependent upon the parent. When life “launches” us it uses boosters to get us into proper, self-maintaining orbit. Before we can get into the orbit, we have to jettison the boosters and very quickly learn to fly on our own. The problem of earth as I see it is, most people cannot bring themselves to jettison their boosters; they fear being on their own so they don’t make orbit. Their flight decays and they come crashing back to earth, frightened, confused and utterly dependent. They had the one chance to push out there and they couldn’t let go of their umbilical connection to the Matrix.

      Reply
      1. Fijay

        Yep ….an interesting comment ShaTara …..those flames seem to keep you orbiting just fine so who am I to say …..I MUST stop being all preachy:D:D
        You are you and perfect as you are:)

  4. We come from dreams ~

    I have thought about this, and no-thought about this; I’ve come to no better a response than to say it’s that it’s a perfect example of the ancient Pythagorean notion of Coming-to-Be and Passing Away; and like unto the Buddha’s notion of the Wheel of Birth and Death. And yeah, I’m trying to be done with all of that, toute suite. And that, every time which I’ve read this, I have consistently heard the following lines from Jim Morrison’s song ‘When the Music’s Over’ in my head:
    “What have they done to the earth?
    What have they done to our fair sister?
    Ravaged and plundered and ripped her and bit her
    Stuck her with knives in the side of the dawn
    And tied her with fences and dragged her down”

    Reply
  5. Sha'Tara Post author

    For some unfathomable reasoning known only to “Word Press” some comments do not have a “reply” button — So, thank you Legato, and thank you, Fijay, for your kind comments. Now this reply box seems to be attached to “We Come from Dreams” so to your comment, well, many artists (those real ones who can think outside the box, have dreams, and know the difference between what’s natural and what’s totally artificial and hence, destructive) have said similar things over the millennia. They are the rare ones with the vision to see what the outcome of brain dead stupidity must be. Cause and effect, simple as that.

    Reply

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