There’s been a lot of talk lately about corruption in high places, particularly in the justice system. I want to use the following story to once and for all demolish that baseless accusation: our courts of law are incorruptible. They are, as the following will clearly demonstrate, the epitome of honesty. Without further ado, I present (drum roll)…
A really, really, really short dialogue short story, in short, quite short.
Known as “The One Perry Mason Episode that did not make it into Prime Time TV” here is (the entire audience is now sitting on the edge of their seats, and with bated breath to boot *note to self: look up “bated breath, or is it baited breath?*)
The case of “The Truth, The Whole Truth and What the Hell”
If I may, your honour, I wish to cross-examine the witness one more time.
Don’t you mean the defendant, your client, Mr. Mason?
Yeah, sure, what the hell…
Give me good cause why I should allow further questioning, Mr. Mason.
Certainly your honor.
(Mr. Mason, standing tall, imposing and in his best stentorian voice). *note to self: look up stentorian in conjunction with voice*
Your honour, the accused, my client, is nothing but a little shit. He’s a fraud, a cheap-skate, a pimp, a drug dealer and a murderer and couldn’t tell the truth to save his life in a hostage exchange. The only reason I took his case is because he bribed me to bribe the jury and offered me an extra $800,000 after my fee, a trip on his yacht to Barbados and all the women I could ever want. He also said he’d buy me an island where I could rule like a king.
Commendable. Very well, Mr. Mason, you may continue to question the witness, that is, the defendant.
Thank you, your honor.
Now Joey, is it, or isn’t it, true that you murdered Bobby “the Weasel” Kellskrieg in cold blood when you became convinced he was a police informant?
Never your honour, I swear. I killed him for sending a love note and one long-stemmed red rose to Janet Leigh, my favourite ho. Also when I stabbed him, his blood was quite hot. Please believe me, I’m telling the truth – just this once, I promise, I won’t do it again.
And do you know anything about Janet Leigh’s body having been pulled out of the bay the day after “the Weasel” was murdered?
It’s not my fault, your honor. She told me she liked the guy. I dunno, I may have overdone the lead Pradas, but I didn’t know she couldn’t swim, she never said a word after I gagged her. I plead self defense.
Your honour, based on this new evidence, I wish to move that the case be dismissed. It’s obvious my client is under a great deal of stress wondering where he’ll get that bribe money to pay me. I beg the court to show some mercy, some sympathy in this case.
I tend to lean in that direction myself, Mr. Mason. Your client did tell the truth, even if in some small way it did appear to incriminate him. I think there’s sufficient lack of solid evidence about this case to dismiss.
(A moment or two elapse in silence, then the gavel bangs – once, very loudly and breaks)
Ah, shit, that was a present from Benito Casino. He presented it to me after I let him plead self defense when he shot and killed the District Attorney in this very courtroom. Such fond memories. But never mind, he’ll get me another one, surely. Case dismissed!
Thank you, your honour.
All rise! (and his honour leaves the court room to make a phone call: “Hi, Ben?”)
And that’s it folks. I rest my case: there is no corruption in our courts of law. You have seen the evidence for yourselves.