The case of “The Truth, the Whole Truth and What the Hell”


There’s been a lot of talk lately about corruption in high places, particularly in the justice system.  I want to use the following story to once and for all demolish that baseless accusation: our courts of law are incorruptible.  They are, as the following will clearly demonstrate, the epitome of honesty.  Without further ado, I present (drum roll)…

A really, really, really short dialogue short story, in short, quite short.

Known as “The One Perry Mason Episode that did not make it into Prime Time TV” here is (the entire audience is now sitting on the edge of their seats, and with bated breath to boot  *note to self: look up “bated breath, or is it baited breath?*)

 The case of “The Truth, The Whole Truth and What the Hell”

If I may, your honour, I wish to cross-examine the witness one more time.

Don’t you mean the defendant, your client, Mr. Mason?

Yeah, sure, what the hell…

 Give me good cause why I should allow further questioning, Mr. Mason.

 Certainly your honor.  

 (Mr. Mason, standing tall, imposing and in his best stentorian voice). *note to self: look up stentorian in conjunction with voice*

Your honour, the accused, my client, is nothing but a little shit.  He’s a fraud, a cheap-skate, a pimp, a drug dealer and a murderer and couldn’t tell the truth to save his life in a hostage exchange.   The only reason I took his case is because he bribed me to bribe the jury and offered me an extra $800,000 after my fee, a trip on his yacht to Barbados and all the women I could ever want. He also said he’d buy me an island where I could rule like a king.  

 Commendable.   Very well, Mr. Mason, you may continue to question the witness, that is, the defendant.

 Thank you, your honor.

 Now Joey, is it, or isn’t it, true that you murdered Bobby “the Weasel” Kellskrieg in cold blood when you became convinced he was a police informant?

Never your honour, I swear. I killed him for sending a love note and one long-stemmed red rose to Janet Leigh, my favourite ho. Also when I stabbed him, his blood was quite hot. Please believe me, I’m telling the truth – just this once, I promise, I won’t do it again.

 And do you know anything about Janet Leigh’s body having been pulled out of the bay the day after “the Weasel” was murdered?

It’s not my fault, your honor. She told me she liked the guy. I dunno, I may have overdone the lead Pradas, but I didn’t know she couldn’t swim, she never said a word after I gagged her. I plead self defense.

 Your honour, based on this new evidence, I wish to move that the case be dismissed.  It’s obvious my client is under a great deal of stress wondering where he’ll get that bribe money to pay me.  I beg the court to show some mercy, some sympathy in this case. 

 I tend to lean in that direction myself, Mr. Mason. Your client did tell the truth, even if in some small way it did appear to incriminate him. I think there’s sufficient lack of solid evidence about this case to dismiss.

 (A moment or two elapse in silence, then the gavel bangs – once, very loudly and breaks)

Ah, shit, that was a present from Benito Casino. He presented it to me after I let him plead self defense when he shot and killed the District Attorney in this very courtroom. Such fond memories. But never mind, he’ll get me another one, surely.   Case dismissed!

Thank you, your honour.

All rise!  (and his honour leaves the court room to make a phone call: “Hi, Ben?”)

And that’s it folks.  I rest my case: there is no corruption in our courts of law. You have seen the evidence for yourselves. 


6 thoughts on “The case of “The Truth, the Whole Truth and What the Hell”

  1. Sha'Tara Post author

    Ah, good. I’ve been told that my humour is just too corny and off the wall. Well, that’ll larn em! I guess I better go up there and fix that title, huh? I used too much white-out when I was correcting. The Cas? What’s a Cas? I’ve got just the thing: there’s a spare “e” in my sowing kit.


  2. Imran Ali

    Justice, as witnesses to Allah, even if it be against yourselves, your parents, and your relatives, or whether it is against the rich or the poor…” (Quran 4:135)

    According to another Quranic passage:

    “Let not the hatred of a people swerve you away from justice.  Be just, for this is closest to righteousness…” (Quran 5:8)

    With regards to relations with non-Muslims, the Quran further states:

    “God does not forbid you from doing good and being just to those who have neither fought you over your faith nor evicted you from your homes…” (Quran 60:8)

    The scholars of the Quran have concluded that these rulings apply to all nations, followers of all faiths, as a matter of fact to all humanity.[2]  In the view of the Quran, justice is an obligation.  That is why the Prophet was told:

    “…If you judge, judge between them with justice…” (Quran 5:42)

    “We have revealed to you the scripture with the truth that you may judge between people by what God has taught you.” (Quran 4:105)

    Furthermore, the Prophet was sent as a judge between peoples, and told:

    “…Say: I believe in the Scripture, which God has sent down, and I am commanded to judge justly between you…” (Quran 42:15)

    The Quran views itself as a scripture devoted mainly to laying down the principles of faith and justice.  The Quran demands that justice be met for all, and that it is an inherent right of all human beings under Islamic Law.[3]  The timeless commitment of the Quran to the basic standards of justice is found in its declaration:

    “And the Word of your Lord has been fulfilled in truth and in justice. None can change His Words.” (Quran 6:115)

    To render justice is a trust that God has conferred on the human being and, like all other trusts, its fulfillment must be guided by a sense of responsibility beyond mere conformity to set rules.  Thus, the Quran states:

    “God commands you to render trusts to whom they are due, and when you judge between people, judge with justice…” (Quran 4:58)

    The reference to justice which immediately follows a reference to fulfillment of  trusts indicates that it is one of the most important of all trusts.[4]

    Justice and the Self

    The Quranic concept of justice also extends justice to being a personal virtue, and one of the standards of moral excellence that a believer is encouraged to attain as part of his God-consciousness.  God says:

    “…Be just, for it is closest to God-consciousness…” (Quran 5:8)

    The Prophet himself instructed:

    “Be conscious of God and be just to your children.”[5]

    The Quran tells the believers:

    “…When you speak, speak with justice, even if it is against someone close to you…” (Quran 6:152)

    Specific Examples of Justice Encouraged in the Quran

    The Quran also refers to particular instances and contexts of justice.  One such instance is the requirement of just treatment of orphans.  God says:

    “And approach not the property of the orphan except in the fairest way, until he [or she] attains the age of full strength, and give measurement and weight with justice…” (Quran 6:152, also see 89:17, 93:9, and 107:2)

    Fair dealings in measurements and weights, as mentioned in the above verse, is also mentioned in other passages where justice in the buying, selling, and by extension, to business transactions in general, is emphasized



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